I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
