Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
