shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
