So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
