This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We're too hungover to prance.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
