Don't make out with my wife yet
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
