That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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