And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
