i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
