im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
