wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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