You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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