May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
