Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
