gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
