dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
