took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
