Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
where does the pee come out of this thing
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
