you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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