Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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