today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My vagina is very pro this idea
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
