You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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