Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
