The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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