Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
