I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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