I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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