Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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