I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
