new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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