he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's blow job season.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
