I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
