if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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