We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
