conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.