sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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