Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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