So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
