You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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