Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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