I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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