My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
