So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
