Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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