if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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