i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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