My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
