i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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