You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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