Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
