My first STD was from a foam party
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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