you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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