Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
