Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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