The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I currently don't understand fingers.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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