I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
pray to the hookup gods
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
